I KNOW Nothing!

It’s Holy Week and like the Addison Road song that once resonated so deeply within me, I ask myself once again, “What Do I Know of Holy?”  The answer? Nothing! I thought I knew at one time, I mean I knew that I knew that I knew!!! And nothing could convince me otherwise and if you told me that you were 99 percent sure you knew, I would say well don’t you want to be 100 percent sure? I am! I mean I was willing to live and die for it! Just like the verse I chose as my favorite from childhood, Philippians 1:21 “For to me to LIVE is CHRIST and to DIE is GAIN”! But now after having had a faith crisis 10 years ago, when my world around me came tumbling down, and the people  I trusted most to lead and guide with the love of God, acted more out of control, greed, and traditions not caring who they hurt in their destructive path and not wanting to trust in the new thing God was trying to do; My eyes were opened to truth and the truth was dark, overwhelming and earth shatteringly painful. I wanted to die. I would visualize different ways of dying. At times I was in deep despair and hopelessness. I really did not want to live anymore.  There was no point when I realized everything I knew from my childhood until I was 40 years old, was all just a business. Not the house of God or the Body of Christ with all its members serving one another and God wholeheartedly, no this was no family, at least no family I wanted to be a part of anymore. You expect more from those who claim to have had heart transformations. You expect more from those who profess profound love for God and his people, but when you see things for what they really are, you can not unsee it ever again. It cut deep, deeper than I’ve ever been cut. It hurt more than I can even explain, so much so I needed to be truly set free from it all. Someone heard my cries, someone embraced me and someone set me free. Yes I’m free indeed. The life of guilt, shame, perfectionism, trying to measure up and failing continually, gone. No more expectations, no more trying to fit in and be accepted, no more performing and trying my hardest to please everyone, even strangers… the impossible demands lifted from my mind, and now,  I’m truly lliving, loving and enjoying life. Oh if only I could go back in time to redo some things, not all, but definitely the important things. I’d go back and be more stingy with my family time, I’d use our resources for my family and our home rather than giving so very much of it away to strangers.  We would also travel and gain more exciting experiences together,,, if only.  So now, though I live my life in not KNOWING,  I have to have faith.  Faith in a Creator, whatever or whoever He is because I still feel there’s no way this universe with all of its wonders exists by chance. And like the George Michael song I still love to this day, I have to have faith that when we all die, it is not the end but the beginning of a better life with the ones we love most. I’m OK not knowing, it’s completely freeing and I’m happier. I’m also less judgmental, more accepting of others and all walks of life, less worry-some , less feeling like I’m letting God and everyone down, less feeling like others are letting me down. I have no guilt, no shame and I don’t have a need to KNOW and understand it all, There’s true peace in true freedom, and I’m actually happy 

 not knowing. “Without faith it is impossible to please God “ Having faith is not knowing, instead it’s believing. Do you believe? Or do you Know?