I KNOW Nothing!

It’s Holy Week and like the Addison Road song that once resonated so deeply within me, I ask myself once again, “What Do I Know of Holy?”  The answer? Nothing! I thought I knew at one time, I mean I knew that I knew that I knew!!! And nothing could convince me otherwise and if you told me that you were 99 percent sure you knew, I would say well don’t you want to be 100 percent sure? I am! I mean I was willing to live and die for it! Just like the verse I chose as my favorite from childhood, Philippians 1:21 “For to me to LIVE is CHRIST and to DIE is GAIN”! But now after having had a faith crisis 10 years ago, when my world around me came tumbling down, and the people  I trusted most to lead and guide with the love of God, acted more out of control, greed, and traditions not caring who they hurt in their destructive path and not wanting to trust in the new thing God was trying to do; My eyes were opened to truth and the truth was dark, overwhelming and earth shatteringly painful. I wanted to die. I would visualize different ways of dying. At times I was in deep despair and hopelessness. I really did not want to live anymore.  There was no point when I realized everything I knew from my childhood until I was 40 years old, was all just a business. Not the house of God or the Body of Christ with all its members serving one another and God wholeheartedly, no this was no family, at least no family I wanted to be a part of anymore. You expect more from those who claim to have had heart transformations. You expect more from those who profess profound love for God and his people, but when you see things for what they really are, you can not unsee it ever again. It cut deep, deeper than I’ve ever been cut. It hurt more than I can even explain, so much so I needed to be truly set free from it all. Someone heard my cries, someone embraced me and someone set me free. Yes I’m free indeed. The life of guilt, shame, perfectionism, trying to measure up and failing continually, gone. No more expectations, no more trying to fit in and be accepted, no more performing and trying my hardest to please everyone, even strangers… the impossible demands lifted from my mind, and now,  I’m truly lliving, loving and enjoying life. Oh if only I could go back in time to redo some things, not all, but definitely the important things. I’d go back and be more stingy with my family time, I’d use our resources for my family and our home rather than giving so very much of it away to strangers.  We would also travel and gain more exciting experiences together,,, if only.  So now, though I live my life in not KNOWING,  I have to have faith.  Faith in a Creator, whatever or whoever He is because I still feel there’s no way this universe with all of its wonders exists by chance. And like the George Michael song I still love to this day, I have to have faith that when we all die, it is not the end but the beginning of a better life with the ones we love most. I’m OK not knowing, it’s completely freeing and I’m happier. I’m also less judgmental, more accepting of others and all walks of life, less worry-some , less feeling like I’m letting God and everyone down, less feeling like others are letting me down. I have no guilt, no shame and I don’t have a need to KNOW and understand it all, There’s true peace in true freedom, and I’m actually happy 

 not knowing. “Without faith it is impossible to please God “ Having faith is not knowing, instead it’s believing. Do you believe? Or do you Know?

Suddenly Sutton

 If you're close to me, meaning you see me daily or even occasionally or have talked with me in person, on the phone or even had text conversations within the last year, you would know that I am remarried! It's wonderful news I would have liked to share with each of my friends and family in person, but woah... I have a lot of family and lots of people I've met over the years that I like to call friends.  There's just not enough time in the day to keep up with everyone as much as I would love to!  But, I said "YES" and afterward, "I Do!" And I've been a happy new bride ever since! I met an extremely wonderful man who seems to love my family almost as much as I do! He's caring, so very generous, thoughtful, an extremely hard worker and he loves me with everything he has! We have so much fun together! He makes me laugh so uncontrollably sometimes that my sides hurt, and anyone who knows me knows I love to laugh! He keeps me grounded, he's my strength when I'm weak and my happy when I'm sad! He's the best to ever happen to me and I seriously can not thank God enough for bringing him into my life! He has saved me in more ways than anyone could ever imagine! I've never been in love like this.  It needed to happen I needed to experience a love I had never experienced before.  I can truly say I've lived now and I never ever want to live without my Michael Alan David Sutton.  This first year of being his wife has been a truly magical year! We said I do on one of the hottest nights in Vegas last summer August 10. My mom, my kids, my sister and her family were all in attendance to show their love and support! It was a memorable night and one I will celebrate until my dying day and hopefully for eternity as that is how long I hope my husband and I will be together!  We have so much to look forward to in our lives together, we've only just begun and already we've been able to see and do so many things together. I'll never be lonely as long as he is by my side! Well of course and our furbaby Koda also, we both love him with our whole hearts and love to spoil him too! I end this post with a few pictures of our new life together with plans to share our travels and our experiences within this new chapter of my blog. 

To New Beginnings! 

8 1/2 Years Later

  Where do I begin? Life is about change, it’s always changing. Just like the weather and the seasons and the books, TV shows, movies, music and the food and drinks we consume as well as where and when and with whom we consume it all with… change is inevitable. Change isn’t always easy, I think it’s almost never easy. There’s always an adjustment period even if you think the change is for good. About a year ago I made a career change, it was difficult to say the least and I had new challenges and nightmares about those challenges. I can say today I most definitely love what I’m doing for work and I hope I can continue doing it for years to come. So I feel I can honestly say change is for good and just like the song from Wicked that comes to mind every time I use the term change is for good, I really think that this is mostly true for every person that has ever come into my life that “because I knew you, I have been changed for good.”  Have you ever read the lyrics to that song? It’s so good, so simple and just so true to me concerning so many people in my life. My whole life, people come and go, I realize now that’s just the way life is and it’s ok, as much as it can hurt, it is just the way life is for now.  Not forever I still believe in a better eternity than this temporal world. I have to believe, I have to have faith and hope. Call me weak but I don’t want to live in a world without hope for an eternal world of love, happiness and eternal living.  And so I won’t, I will remain hopeful for as long as I have air in my lungs. There are too many people dear to my heart that have been taken from this world all too soon that I truly want to be reunited with, so for them I’m holding on to faith and hope.  Which brings me to love and back to change. Did I mention I’m a failure? I am. I failed at my first marriage of 25 years to a most amazing man! Regrets? The only regret I have and it’s a huge one is hurting the ones I love most in the world as a result. I never had any intention of hurting anyone, and daily I live with shame and feelings of guilt, which by the way my amazing therapist is helping me to navigate. If you’ve ever thought you don’t need a therapist, you do!  I never thought I needed a therapist, oh but I did, I really did. The sad part about mine though is I got one about 37 years too late!!! A person who endures sexual abuse their whole life from age 4 until age 14 by a person that was supposed to be one of the most trustworthy persons in their life, most definitely needs a therapist to work out all the demons, the pain, the shame, and the mental twisted torture they endure to this day, as a result. Without a therapists help it seems inevitable that person would fail in their first marriage. It’s such a sad story, even more sad that it’s a true one. It doesn’t end there though, Alas there is change, and thankfully forgiveness which I pray for and impart with daily. It’s the only way I can go on and live my life in truth and in love. I’m remarried now and I’m finding happiness in my new life and love. All of my family are more important to me now than they ever have been in my life. It’s true to say you find out who your true friend is by going through all of life’s traumas. The idea the last 3 letters in the word friend spells end rings true to me, because that’s definitely what happens between most friends. I’m so thankful for the friends near and far who have stood by me and my family through all of our change. Those friends prove to be more like family.  Family is forever, that rings more true to me and the word family ends in ILY which to me means I Love You, and no matter what, unconditionally I will always love our family. 

Face to Face

I'm really not sure what I would do without the saving grace of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I would be so lost, completely and utterly lost, without Him. I don't understand how others who don't believe in Him, make it through life? He truly is my Rock, my Fortress, my Shield, my Refuge, my Strength, my Deliverer, my Redeemer, my Hiding Place, my Comfort, my Hope, my Peace and my Joy. No matter how many times I fail Him, He pursues me, even when I don't want Him to, He forgives me, provides for me, works through me and loves me like no other can.  I'm wowed by my God, over and over and OVER again.  In writing this I just remembered a song that I used to sing when I was a child, looking it up now so I can post it... Hopefully I can find it!!... Found it... Here it is, and sung by 'The King' too! ;) http://youtu.be/wzvvgmf7Cs8

Do you remember singing this song in your younger days? I hope i'm not the only one who remembers it! 

Well back to topic, JESUS, what would I do without Him?! I really don't want to find out, it would not be pretty, that i'm sure of. Everything good in me comes from Him alone, and slowly, carefully, sometimes painfully, He's working on me to remove all the bad. I just need to allow Him to, and I need to stop trying to hold onto things that i'm not ready to give Him yet... Ugh, why do I have to have a sinful nature at all? I wish it could just be completely gone... I'm thankful for the hope that one day, it will be gone. In the twinkling of an eye, changed from mortal to immortal, and I'll get to see my Savior God, face to face.  Oh what a glorious day that will be!! Until then, I pray that His patience will never run out on me. 

40

I haven't really shared this with anyone but I think I've been depressed lately. Emotional, irritable, happy one minute sad and crying the next. Wanting to sleep, a lot, taking naps, sometimes two in a day, as well as just not wanting to get out of bed, so not like me!! It's not the best roller coaster to be on. And as my 40th is quickly approaching, less than a week away, I can't help but see vivid scenes of my life flashing before me as well as the many faces of friends, family and acquaintances in those scenes. Is this what everyone's 40th is like? Why do I care about a number? Age is just a number, right? I don't feel old, I feel young, and that could be part of my problem. I don't feel 40. I feel immature in a lot of ways. I feel like I still have so much to learn, and experience and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up! Don't get me wrong. I love my job. Raising my son and daughter is definitely thee most rewarding job in the world! I love being their Mom! I have a blessed life. Just the other day I was chatting with an inquisitive woman, and she couldn't believe that my husband doesn't make me work. She kept telling me how lucky I was. And I get it, I understand. I really am lucky, blessed to be more accurate. God has been overly and abundantly generous to me. I really do owe Him a debt of gratitude for my life! 

So big deal, 40, why are you freaking me out?! Maybe it's because the saying is true, "What  messes us up most in life is the picture in our head of how its 'supposed' to be." I know in my last post I stated that "I am NOT a failure", well here are a few reasons why I have to fight, to not believe the lie, that I am: Relationships~ friends come and go, I hate the fact that they go, I would prefer that they always stay. Thinking of people I love that I've lost contact with, gives me feelings of failure in those relationships.

Missions and Outreach~ not being able to financially support, or give more time and resources to those in need, gives me feelings of failure in those areas. 

Answering God's call~ not being able to fulfill an area I feel God has called me to serve Him in, because of reasons beyond my control, gives me feelings of failure. 

Hobbies~ not succeeding in certain areas that bring me joy to do, as well as not completing or advancing in other areas, such as playing the piano, these reasons too can bring feelings of failure to my mind. 

Organized and scheduled living~ biting off more than I can chew and spreading myself thin to where everything gets done out of survival rather than done well, and with passion, this can definitely bring feelings of failure.

And one more thing because I don't want to list EVERYTHING:

Desires~ having so many wants, and never feeling satisfied makes me feel greedy, selfish and spoiled...More feelings of failure, hooray! 

So maybe y'all understand my last post better now, and yes despite all the reasons listed above, I still know i'm not a failure! I know I am a work in progress, and that any feelings of inadequacy I may have, are brought on completely by my own mind. I choose to believe God when He says, "My burden is light". He alone covers my inadequacies, and I just need to give Him my burdens and allow Him to replace them with His unexplainable joy, once again. 

So as I turn 40, ( ugh, my stomach just turned typing that) I need to remember this quote which is true in so many ways. "Most people mess up something good, by looking for something better, just to end up with something worse."

I Am Not a Failure

Wait, the blog world still exists? Guess I should blog then. 

When I'm asked introspective questions, that I'm not prepared for, (this happened awhile ago) I will answer as quickly and honestly as possible, but then, if the questions are weighty enough, I'll still be processing the questions and my answers hours later. It's a curse. Hence the reason my eyes stay open long into the night. Without going into the questions or the answers I'm talking about, I'll start with a different introspective question which came as a result of the initial questions.  'Am I the only one who ever feels like a failure in ALL areas of life?' I know it's a bit extreme, but I'm usually an all or nothing person, therefore, I'm pretty extreme by nature. Although, lately I've really noticed a change in my own character and I'm actually becoming not as all or nothing as I've always been. This can be a good thing and a bad thing, but for now I'm only going to talk about one good thing I've noticed about myself lately. One example, tonight when dinner and dessert came around, both consisted of 'small' portions even though I was hungry and could have justified eating way more. I'm so amazed how much control God has given me these days when it comes to food. I can honestly say He has set me free from the sin of gluttony! I used to eat, a lot, anything and everything, sabotaging my body, this very temple that He created to dwell in, with all kinds of and a lot of unhealthy food. Until, I confessed my sin, repented and asked Him to take complete control and help me to use wisdom and practice self control with my eating. It didn't happen overnight, it was a process and took a few times of surrendering all over again, but He's amazing and faithful! And It's now been a few years since He shed light on my sin and I laid it at His feet and WOW, have His blessings followed. Now 50 pounds lighter, 4 dress sizes smaller and no longer in the pre-diabetic, high cholesterol categories, my doctor is super happy with me! It's a good feeling for sure. So why do I feel like a failure then? I know I'm not, so the only reason I can think of is because that is what the enemy Satan, wants me to feel. Well, guess what? I'm done. From this day forward I publicly declare and proclaim in the name of Jesus, I am not a failure! I am, in fact, MORE THAN A CONQUEROR in Christ Jesus my Lord, and starting today I am determined to live that way! In all areas of my life!! I do know who I am in Christ. I know that who I am in Christ is none of my own doing, but ALL because of His doing. He is holy, He lives in me, therefore I am holy. He is perfect, He lives in me, therefore I am perfect. He is righteous, He lives in me, therefore I am righteous. He is worthy, He lives in me, therefore I am worthy. Again, not because of anything I do or don't do, but all because of what Jesus has already done for me and is doing in me. So today, I will no longer walk in defeat and feelings of failure, but I will walk in His victory, in His truth, in His peace and in His love. I know He has more for me, more for my life and my destiny, so my question is, 'What other sins Lord, can you reveal to me? My heart's desire is still the same, change me from the inside out. Please, set me free from the sin that so easily entangles me. Continue to change me from glory to glory and have your way in me.'

Christmas Day!~ Thankful Challenge Finale (Part 2)

Happy Birthday Jesus!!! I started my morning with thanksgiving in my heart and on my lips to my Lord Jesus and for His plan of salvation for all of us! Can you imagine, the Ancient of Days, our self-existent eternal God, Who stands outside of time, Who has no beginning and Who has no end, is celebrated all over our world,  because He stepped into earth's history as a newborn, fully human, fully God? He humbled himself to be born as a baby boy and split time in our world in half? Amazing to think about! He loves us so much more than we can even imagine, and I am so thankful to Him for His unending love!

At 12 and 14, I'm  thankful my kids still get so excited for Christmas morning! It's always fun watching them open presents. Later in the day my 8 year old niece and nephew came over to open presents together too, and I realized watching the happiness, joy and excitement of the kids  open their presents, is really one of the best things about Christmas!

It was fun to watch the older kids open their gifts too!

(Nana's homemade gift from Belle)

I'm thankful for each of the gifts I received, yes it's true "it's more blessed to give than to receive", but I'm certainly blessed when given to as well! :) My daughter made everyone homemade gifts this year, I loved her thoughtfulness and the extra work she put into them. Here's a picture of what she made for me.  A purple bead cross to add to my cross wall and chocolate in case of emergency, she knows what I need! ;)

Since this is my last thankful challenge post, I'm adding a bonus thankful: I'm thankful I got to spend an entire day celebrating my sisters 40th with her. We shopped for fun girl stuff, ate a delicious barbecue lunch, watched Into the Woods movie, followed by meeting up with the rest of our family for pizza, chicken wings, cake and ice cream for dinner. We always have a lot of fun together and I can't wait to spend an entire day with my sis again! She's the best and always makes me feel blessed! I love my sis!