40

I haven't really shared this with anyone but I think I've been depressed lately. Emotional, irritable, happy one minute sad and crying the next. Wanting to sleep, a lot, taking naps, sometimes two in a day, as well as just not wanting to get out of bed, so not like me!! It's not the best roller coaster to be on. And as my 40th is quickly approaching, less than a week away, I can't help but see vivid scenes of my life flashing before me as well as the many faces of friends, family and acquaintances in those scenes. Is this what everyone's 40th is like? Why do I care about a number? Age is just a number, right? I don't feel old, I feel young, and that could be part of my problem. I don't feel 40. I feel immature in a lot of ways. I feel like I still have so much to learn, and experience and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up! Don't get me wrong. I love my job. Raising my son and daughter is definitely thee most rewarding job in the world! I love being their Mom! I have a blessed life. Just the other day I was chatting with an inquisitive woman, and she couldn't believe that my husband doesn't make me work. She kept telling me how lucky I was. And I get it, I understand. I really am lucky, blessed to be more accurate. God has been overly and abundantly generous to me. I really do owe Him a debt of gratitude for my life! 

So big deal, 40, why are you freaking me out?! Maybe it's because the saying is true, "What  messes us up most in life is the picture in our head of how its 'supposed' to be." I know in my last post I stated that "I am NOT a failure", well here are a few reasons why I have to fight, to not believe the lie, that I am: Relationships~ friends come and go, I hate the fact that they go, I would prefer that they always stay. Thinking of people I love that I've lost contact with, gives me feelings of failure in those relationships.

Missions and Outreach~ not being able to financially support, or give more time and resources to those in need, gives me feelings of failure in those areas. 

Answering God's call~ not being able to fulfill an area I feel God has called me to serve Him in, because of reasons beyond my control, gives me feelings of failure. 

Hobbies~ not succeeding in certain areas that bring me joy to do, as well as not completing or advancing in other areas, such as playing the piano, these reasons too can bring feelings of failure to my mind. 

Organized and scheduled living~ biting off more than I can chew and spreading myself thin to where everything gets done out of survival rather than done well, and with passion, this can definitely bring feelings of failure.

And one more thing because I don't want to list EVERYTHING:

Desires~ having so many wants, and never feeling satisfied makes me feel greedy, selfish and spoiled...More feelings of failure, hooray! 

So maybe y'all understand my last post better now, and yes despite all the reasons listed above, I still know i'm not a failure! I know I am a work in progress, and that any feelings of inadequacy I may have, are brought on completely by my own mind. I choose to believe God when He says, "My burden is light". He alone covers my inadequacies, and I just need to give Him my burdens and allow Him to replace them with His unexplainable joy, once again. 

So as I turn 40, ( ugh, my stomach just turned typing that) I need to remember this quote which is true in so many ways. "Most people mess up something good, by looking for something better, just to end up with something worse."

I Am Not a Failure

Wait, the blog world still exists? Guess I should blog then. 

When I'm asked introspective questions, that I'm not prepared for, (this happened awhile ago) I will answer as quickly and honestly as possible, but then, if the questions are weighty enough, I'll still be processing the questions and my answers hours later. It's a curse. Hence the reason my eyes stay open long into the night. Without going into the questions or the answers I'm talking about, I'll start with a different introspective question which came as a result of the initial questions.  'Am I the only one who ever feels like a failure in ALL areas of life?' I know it's a bit extreme, but I'm usually an all or nothing person, therefore, I'm pretty extreme by nature. Although, lately I've really noticed a change in my own character and I'm actually becoming not as all or nothing as I've always been. This can be a good thing and a bad thing, but for now I'm only going to talk about one good thing I've noticed about myself lately. One example, tonight when dinner and dessert came around, both consisted of 'small' portions even though I was hungry and could have justified eating way more. I'm so amazed how much control God has given me these days when it comes to food. I can honestly say He has set me free from the sin of gluttony! I used to eat, a lot, anything and everything, sabotaging my body, this very temple that He created to dwell in, with all kinds of and a lot of unhealthy food. Until, I confessed my sin, repented and asked Him to take complete control and help me to use wisdom and practice self control with my eating. It didn't happen overnight, it was a process and took a few times of surrendering all over again, but He's amazing and faithful! And It's now been a few years since He shed light on my sin and I laid it at His feet and WOW, have His blessings followed. Now 50 pounds lighter, 4 dress sizes smaller and no longer in the pre-diabetic, high cholesterol categories, my doctor is super happy with me! It's a good feeling for sure. So why do I feel like a failure then? I know I'm not, so the only reason I can think of is because that is what the enemy Satan, wants me to feel. Well, guess what? I'm done. From this day forward I publicly declare and proclaim in the name of Jesus, I am not a failure! I am, in fact, MORE THAN A CONQUEROR in Christ Jesus my Lord, and starting today I am determined to live that way! In all areas of my life!! I do know who I am in Christ. I know that who I am in Christ is none of my own doing, but ALL because of His doing. He is holy, He lives in me, therefore I am holy. He is perfect, He lives in me, therefore I am perfect. He is righteous, He lives in me, therefore I am righteous. He is worthy, He lives in me, therefore I am worthy. Again, not because of anything I do or don't do, but all because of what Jesus has already done for me and is doing in me. So today, I will no longer walk in defeat and feelings of failure, but I will walk in His victory, in His truth, in His peace and in His love. I know He has more for me, more for my life and my destiny, so my question is, 'What other sins Lord, can you reveal to me? My heart's desire is still the same, change me from the inside out. Please, set me free from the sin that so easily entangles me. Continue to change me from glory to glory and have your way in me.'