40

I haven't really shared this with anyone but I think I've been depressed lately. Emotional, irritable, happy one minute sad and crying the next. Wanting to sleep, a lot, taking naps, sometimes two in a day, as well as just not wanting to get out of bed, so not like me!! It's not the best roller coaster to be on. And as my 40th is quickly approaching, less than a week away, I can't help but see vivid scenes of my life flashing before me as well as the many faces of friends, family and acquaintances in those scenes. Is this what everyone's 40th is like? Why do I care about a number? Age is just a number, right? I don't feel old, I feel young, and that could be part of my problem. I don't feel 40. I feel immature in a lot of ways. I feel like I still have so much to learn, and experience and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up! Don't get me wrong. I love my job. Raising my son and daughter is definitely thee most rewarding job in the world! I love being their Mom! I have a blessed life. Just the other day I was chatting with an inquisitive woman, and she couldn't believe that my husband doesn't make me work. She kept telling me how lucky I was. And I get it, I understand. I really am lucky, blessed to be more accurate. God has been overly and abundantly generous to me. I really do owe Him a debt of gratitude for my life! 

So big deal, 40, why are you freaking me out?! Maybe it's because the saying is true, "What  messes us up most in life is the picture in our head of how its 'supposed' to be." I know in my last post I stated that "I am NOT a failure", well here are a few reasons why I have to fight, to not believe the lie, that I am: Relationships~ friends come and go, I hate the fact that they go, I would prefer that they always stay. Thinking of people I love that I've lost contact with, gives me feelings of failure in those relationships.

Missions and Outreach~ not being able to financially support, or give more time and resources to those in need, gives me feelings of failure in those areas. 

Answering God's call~ not being able to fulfill an area I feel God has called me to serve Him in, because of reasons beyond my control, gives me feelings of failure. 

Hobbies~ not succeeding in certain areas that bring me joy to do, as well as not completing or advancing in other areas, such as playing the piano, these reasons too can bring feelings of failure to my mind. 

Organized and scheduled living~ biting off more than I can chew and spreading myself thin to where everything gets done out of survival rather than done well, and with passion, this can definitely bring feelings of failure.

And one more thing because I don't want to list EVERYTHING:

Desires~ having so many wants, and never feeling satisfied makes me feel greedy, selfish and spoiled...More feelings of failure, hooray! 

So maybe y'all understand my last post better now, and yes despite all the reasons listed above, I still know i'm not a failure! I know I am a work in progress, and that any feelings of inadequacy I may have, are brought on completely by my own mind. I choose to believe God when He says, "My burden is light". He alone covers my inadequacies, and I just need to give Him my burdens and allow Him to replace them with His unexplainable joy, once again. 

So as I turn 40, ( ugh, my stomach just turned typing that) I need to remember this quote which is true in so many ways. "Most people mess up something good, by looking for something better, just to end up with something worse."

I Am Not a Failure

Wait, the blog world still exists? Guess I should blog then. 

When I'm asked introspective questions, that I'm not prepared for, (this happened awhile ago) I will answer as quickly and honestly as possible, but then, if the questions are weighty enough, I'll still be processing the questions and my answers hours later. It's a curse. Hence the reason my eyes stay open long into the night. Without going into the questions or the answers I'm talking about, I'll start with a different introspective question which came as a result of the initial questions.  'Am I the only one who ever feels like a failure in ALL areas of life?' I know it's a bit extreme, but I'm usually an all or nothing person, therefore, I'm pretty extreme by nature. Although, lately I've really noticed a change in my own character and I'm actually becoming not as all or nothing as I've always been. This can be a good thing and a bad thing, but for now I'm only going to talk about one good thing I've noticed about myself lately. One example, tonight when dinner and dessert came around, both consisted of 'small' portions even though I was hungry and could have justified eating way more. I'm so amazed how much control God has given me these days when it comes to food. I can honestly say He has set me free from the sin of gluttony! I used to eat, a lot, anything and everything, sabotaging my body, this very temple that He created to dwell in, with all kinds of and a lot of unhealthy food. Until, I confessed my sin, repented and asked Him to take complete control and help me to use wisdom and practice self control with my eating. It didn't happen overnight, it was a process and took a few times of surrendering all over again, but He's amazing and faithful! And It's now been a few years since He shed light on my sin and I laid it at His feet and WOW, have His blessings followed. Now 50 pounds lighter, 4 dress sizes smaller and no longer in the pre-diabetic, high cholesterol categories, my doctor is super happy with me! It's a good feeling for sure. So why do I feel like a failure then? I know I'm not, so the only reason I can think of is because that is what the enemy Satan, wants me to feel. Well, guess what? I'm done. From this day forward I publicly declare and proclaim in the name of Jesus, I am not a failure! I am, in fact, MORE THAN A CONQUEROR in Christ Jesus my Lord, and starting today I am determined to live that way! In all areas of my life!! I do know who I am in Christ. I know that who I am in Christ is none of my own doing, but ALL because of His doing. He is holy, He lives in me, therefore I am holy. He is perfect, He lives in me, therefore I am perfect. He is righteous, He lives in me, therefore I am righteous. He is worthy, He lives in me, therefore I am worthy. Again, not because of anything I do or don't do, but all because of what Jesus has already done for me and is doing in me. So today, I will no longer walk in defeat and feelings of failure, but I will walk in His victory, in His truth, in His peace and in His love. I know He has more for me, more for my life and my destiny, so my question is, 'What other sins Lord, can you reveal to me? My heart's desire is still the same, change me from the inside out. Please, set me free from the sin that so easily entangles me. Continue to change me from glory to glory and have your way in me.'

Christmas Day!~ Thankful Challenge Finale (Part 2)

Happy Birthday Jesus!!! I started my morning with thanksgiving in my heart and on my lips to my Lord Jesus and for His plan of salvation for all of us! Can you imagine, the Ancient of Days, our self-existent eternal God, Who stands outside of time, Who has no beginning and Who has no end, is celebrated all over our world,  because He stepped into earth's history as a newborn, fully human, fully God? He humbled himself to be born as a baby boy and split time in our world in half? Amazing to think about! He loves us so much more than we can even imagine, and I am so thankful to Him for His unending love!

At 12 and 14, I'm  thankful my kids still get so excited for Christmas morning! It's always fun watching them open presents. Later in the day my 8 year old niece and nephew came over to open presents together too, and I realized watching the happiness, joy and excitement of the kids  open their presents, is really one of the best things about Christmas!

It was fun to watch the older kids open their gifts too!

(Nana's homemade gift from Belle)

I'm thankful for each of the gifts I received, yes it's true "it's more blessed to give than to receive", but I'm certainly blessed when given to as well! :) My daughter made everyone homemade gifts this year, I loved her thoughtfulness and the extra work she put into them. Here's a picture of what she made for me.  A purple bead cross to add to my cross wall and chocolate in case of emergency, she knows what I need! ;)

Since this is my last thankful challenge post, I'm adding a bonus thankful: I'm thankful I got to spend an entire day celebrating my sisters 40th with her. We shopped for fun girl stuff, ate a delicious barbecue lunch, watched Into the Woods movie, followed by meeting up with the rest of our family for pizza, chicken wings, cake and ice cream for dinner. We always have a lot of fun together and I can't wait to spend an entire day with my sis again! She's the best and always makes me feel blessed! I love my sis!

Christmas Eve~Thankful challenge finale (part 1)

Well again I was supposed to write three things I was thankful for yesterday and I actually got half way on writing it last night, but, in a moment of not thinking straight, I closed the blogger app before saving what I had written and lost the post... Argh, can you say frustration? I guess it builds character?! :-{ 

Anyway, Christmas Eve was wonderful! First preparing food and cleaning up the house for a traditional Christmas family dinner, then off to a beautiful candlelight church service we went! I'm so glad we did too! Christmas Eve is just not the same to me without congregating with fellow believers to contemplate the miraculous birth of our risen Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm so thankful for a Creator God who completely humbled himself to become like one of us. When I think about the true humbleness of my God, how could I not consider every person better than myself? 

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." (Philippians 2:3-11 ESV)

No matter WHO it is, or WHAT they have done, we are called to forgive, to be peacemakers, to LOVE our enemies in word and deed and to pray for them... This can only be done through a sincere act of humbling ourselves, and with help from Jesus, it's very doable!

I'm thankful Dad was able to attend candlelight service with us! In case I haven't said it, I love him, he's the best father-in-law I could ever want! He really enjoyed the service, which made us happy too! 

I'm also thankful there is a time for feasting and celebrating with family and friends. I can think of no better reason for it, than to honor our Lord and Savior. Christmas Eve Dinner at our house with lots of family was delicious and super fun! We all had a great time of visiting, playing games, and

Exchanging gifts. Traditions are awesome! :)

Girls, Cheese Dreams, Humor~ Thankful Challenge Day 23 (a day late!)

This should've been posted Yesterday, but once again, I was too exhausted and needed to sleep first.

I'm thankful I have a daughter! As complicated, emotional and unpredictable us girls can be, I'm so happy to have my very own young lady to raise and watch grow. She ordered new eye glasses the other day, and she was so excited when she got the phone call they were ready, that we had to leave asap to go get them. Well once she tried them on she was sad because she was no longer sure she liked them. Reassuring her that they looked great on her wasn't helping, at all! So I said, "ok, well, let's try out all the other frames again and see if we could find something she liked better." It finally became clear to her, no pun intended, that she had made the right choice for herself. Isn't my daughter beautiful?! :) 

I'm thankful I got to spend the afternoon with Kathy, my sister in Christ, whose wisdom and insights I cherish as well as covet. We had such a wonderful time together. She asked me if I would help her with an open house she was having for the church staff and I'm glad I said yes, not just for the 'cheese dreams' either! After a relaxing beef brisket lunch, we got to work making them and oh my.... 'cheese dreams' are so delicious and BONUS... I got to hold a tiny, pretty baby girl today!!!

I'm thankful my family are fun and have a great sense of humor! When I walked in the house after being gone all afternoon, my husband, kids and father-in-law, were all sitting in the family room watching a fireplace video and singing "Joy to the World", I didn't believe them for a minute, but it was funny and made me laugh! :D

YIKES! Cramming 3 days into 1! ~Thankful Challenge Day 22

It's the most busiest time of the year! :) I've been too busy to sit down and write my thankfuls for the last few days, so now I'm cramming 3 days into 1! 

Let's see, Saturday:

I was thankful I got to spend the entire day in my pajamas cleaning house and stuff... The and stuff part was listening to lots of music. I'm so thankful for music, but I've already mentioned that fact in a past blog.  Saturday I was thankful for my flowers, cards and gifts from loving, generous Kidz Praize parents, participants and staff from my church, given to me after Friday night's musical. The gifts were all so unexpected and big time blessings too!

I'm thankful I will get to see my daughter's winter choir concert on video that my sister recorded for me, since I had to miss it last Wednesday night. I can't wait to have a few minutes to sit down to watch it. 

I'm thankful for Fausto's and the fact it's so close to my house, I LOVE their Carne Asada Super Nachos!!!

Sunday:

I'm thankful we had some extended family join us for church service and that it was an awesome service too!! From the worship to the preaching, loved it!

I'm thankful my father-in-law really enjoyed lunch at Raising Cane's. He definitely would like to eat there again.

I'm thankful for football games, classic Christmas movies and old school movies that are fun to watch, while baking Christmas cookies, into the wee hours of the morning. 

Monday: 

I'm thankful for my husband who does so very much to help me around the house, pick up items I need from the store and just plain keeps me sane! Just like one of my favorite couple quotes from the "Who's That Girl" Madonna movie that I haven't seen in ages, (remember the movie?! I Love it!) Movie Quote: "Because we're a team, a lean, mean, fighting machine of a team!" In short, my honey makes me look good. He's awesome!!!!

I'm thankful for online shopping and after driving around in this crazy city today, I realize I need to utilize it a lot more!!! I like when I see things in myself that I really need to work on changing, like my procrastination habits. I know one New Year goal of mine, stop procrastinating so much!

I'm thankful my 12th annual Christmas cookie exchange, dinner party was a success! So much fun with some truly beautiful and wonderful friends! We laugh a lot when we play pictionary, and I got to taste all the cookies brought, to decide on the hostess choice award. Someone had to! YUM!!!! I should be a food critic, seriously how fun would that job be?!! ;)

Musical, Breakfast, Director- Thankful Challenge Day 19

I guess I've been busy, because right after the musical tonight, my girl attached herself to my side and wouldn't let go. I'm definitely not complaining! I love spending time with my beautiful, sweet girl! I'm thankful she had so much fun performing in the musical this year and I'm so thankful when parents tell me their kids LOVED being in the musical too! Besides the fun and the sharing of the Good News through song, the kids have some of the Word hidden in their hearts now due to memorizing the lines and songs! That makes me happy!! The musical turned out wonderful! I'm very proud of the cast, choir and crew who made it all happen! 

Kind of random...my father-in-law took us out to breakfast this morning. He always spoils us and I'm thankful for that, but I'm mostly just thankful for him and the time we get to spend together!

Back to the musical topic, I'm so thankful to have worked right beside such an  amazing director, Staci Maxwell, for the 5th time! I really can't believe this musical was number 5 together!! Time sure does fly! If God allows and only if it's His will, I hope we get to do many more! I can't think of a better person I would want to lead with! :) 

A bonus thankful: I'm extremely thankful for everyone, friends and family included, who took time out of their busy holiday schedules to come see the show and I hope everyone enjoyed it! Merry CHRISTmas!